Why Gay Men are Better than Everybody You Know (and Why They Have to Be)

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Fear is a very powerful tool for the human psyche. For example, if you are afraid of being alone, you either go out and find dates, or you make excuses as to why you can’t. By letting fear of being alone motivate you to better yourself and find the one, you successfully ensure that you are as far away from that thing you fear. You have ensured that you have what it takes, and those who come after you and fear being alone will see your social fossils (read: happy Facebook posts from months passed) and try to imitate you. You will become a gay god, revered by all and feared by many more who did not encompass that all because they’re so weird that they’ve been excluded from a collective pronoun.

However, by making excuses and staying away from the dating scene, your social genes do not get passed down and you die alone and miserable, a victim of your own fear and a failure to a life where only you could have set the standard. Your social fossils will be put on display by future museum curators who are amazed at your inability to even bag a dude and cannot contemplate how you fucked up so badly that even your only companions (two cats and a parakeet) left you. AND THE PARAKEET WAS CAGED! AND IT BRAVED LEAVING THE CAGE AND CHANCING BEING EATEN BY THE CATS TO LEAVE YOU! THE SIX INCH PARAKEET HAD BIGGER BALLS THAN YOU! OMFG LOSER! IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE FINGERS! OH, AND BTW, IT’S HITTING ON THAT GUY YOU WERE TOO AFRAID TO TALK TO ON GRINDR. AND IT JUST GOT TO SECOND BASE!

OK, perhaps it doesn’t actually work that way, but that’s the way gay men see it. Traditional patriarchal society sees men who do not court or love women as inferior. This homo-hatred is internalized by those who do not conform to hetero norms and to shield themselves from shame in society, they work hard to succeed. Succeed at what?, you might ask. Anything there is competition for.

Success means there is less basis to be criticized negatively on. Sure, one can call a gay rich man names, but at the end of the day he makes enough money to buy and sell your entire family. The net worth of his least favored pet is more than you can make in ten years working a stable job in a ‘quality’ profession. He may be a bottom, but gods be damned if he’s not on top when he compares himself to you. If you can call it a comparison with your meager earnings and little dick. Yes, you’ve just been size-shamed. Oh, and to be sure you can’t get him on the grounds of hubris as he volunteers his free time helping orphaned ducks find good homes in privileged ponds. Orphaned fucking ducks! He’ll be getting a better spot in Heaven than you–that is, if Jesus even invites you and you can get past the bouncer–and yet, one derogatory word can send his whole better-than-thou reality shattering at his feet in incalculable pieces.

For many gay men, this is a sad social reality. Fear of shaming their families, fear of being ostracized publicly, fear of being average… As society would tell it, their only fault is being gay. Get rid of the gay and they’re normal. Some gay men will stay in the closet, and others work against the anti-gay sentiment by being as stereotypically gay as they can possibly be. And others–the ones who see fear as something to be run away from–they fight nail and tooth to add conjunction verbs to their gay identity. The conjunctions are but and and. As in, “I’m gay, but, I can raise a family, cook a meal, stay late at the office, and generally do anything you can do but better–except fail. What is it you do again, hetero? Oh, you only run a Fortune 500? How quaint. Do you even lift?” But in typical gay fashion, they will not boast for themselves. They will let their expensive clothes, cars, and vacations tell the story.

This does not mean that every gay man who is successful is only successful because of the fear of being anything otherwise, merely that many turn to competition to overcome what society deems a social disability. Everybody seeks validation, but many gay men seek it by refusing to be dismissed from society’s mandate of manhood despite boning a woman being part of that.

So, that’s why gay men are better than everybody you know. If you can call us a faggot in public and we are alone in a sea of humiliation, you’d best believe our coping mechanisms will include destroying you by buying a coaster that matches the drapes in the foyer and costs more than your entire house. Success talks, darling. So speak up, we* can’t hear that whisper that you seem to think is a shout.

*Again, not all gay men are “successful”–whatever that means–nor do we all conceptualize success in the same way. I am using a general example to tackle a society-wide stereotype.

**Not all gay men are rich and materialistic. Unfortunately.

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The Author

Sage Nenyue is a hi-falootin' Cappuccino aficionado who's searching for the foundation of freedom, happiness, and personal luxury.

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